A Terrible Beauty Read online

  "That's all right. I'll get you one."

  He went out to the kitchen and came back with a thick blue mug filled with warm, peaty-tasting water. She drank all of it, dribbling it down her chin.

  "Do you hate me?" she said.

  It was incredible, but he actually blushed. "Of course I don't hate you. I think you're very, very special."

  "But look what you've done to me."

  "I know. I know that. And that's what makes you so special. That's what they don't tell you in the history books, do they, that every human sacrifice was a person, with a mother and a father and ideas of her own? But that's what makes every human sacrifice so valuable. That's why it means so much. You can sacrifice a goat, but what does a goat know? To sacrifice a human life especially like this that's what brings the demons out of hiding. That's what really causes a rustle in hell."

  He opened his instrument case and selected one of his scalpels. "You know, Fiona Kelly, this is the best time of all for stirring up demons. The third hour of the day, when the angels of death come fluttering down through the darkness to squeeze the struggling hearts of the elderly, and to press their hands over the faces of sleeping babies."

  Fiona tried not to listen to him, or even to focus her eyes on what he was doing. She tried instead to think of her mother, sitting at the end of the veranda in her whitepainted rocker, sewing and smiling; and she tried to visualize her bedroom, with its pink gingham bedspread, and the crimson bougainvillea that fluttered on either side of the window.

  She tried to think of a song that her mother had taught her when she was little. She had never really understood what it meant, but now she sang it over and over, silently, inside her mind, like a mantra. Anything to keep her mind off the pain.

  One girl asked for rosemary

  One girl asked for thyme

  Another girl asked for locks and keys

  And clocks that never chimed.

  But all I want is a door that leads

  To the road that leads to the sea

  And to know when I turn that my shadow

  Will still be following me.

  She had often asked her mother what it meant, and who had taught it to her, but her mother would never say. When she was older she had looked it up in books of children's poetry and nursery rhymes, but she had never found out. It had always disturbed her, for some reason, especially the line about wanting to know if her shadow was following her. Supposing it wasn't? What then?

  She was repeating the rhyme for the third time when he cut into her thigh. He cut deep, right through the skin and the fat and the femoral muscles, until the tip of his scalpel touched her bone. Blood welled out of the wound and pattered onto the newspapers underneath the bed.

  The scalpel was so sharp that she hardly felt it. She had once cut her tongue on an envelope that she was licking, and she hadn't realized until blood came pouring down her chin. This incision hurt even less than that, but all the same she let out a long wail of despair.

  "Don't cry," he told her. "This is only just the beginning. You wait until tomorrow. Then you'll know what pain is. Then you'll not only feel it, you'llunderstandit."

  He sliced through all of the quadriceps, all the way around, right through to the femur. All the time he was breathing steadily through his nose, the way that dentists do. When he had cut around her upper thigh, he moved down and made another cut about an inch above her knee. His hands were smothered in blood now, and there were bloody fingerprints all over her leg. She let her head fall back, so that she wouldn't have to look, but then she raised it again, her chin shuddering with pain and effort. She found a terrible fascination in watching her own mutilation. He had been right: it was like a journey through an undiscovered country, a country where anything was possible, where no pain was too great and no horror was too excessive.

  Having cut one circle around the top of her leg and another circle above her knee, he then took another scalpel from his instrument case and incised a vertical line down the front of her thigh to join the two together. This time, she felt the point sliding all the way down her bone, and she screamed so long and so loud that he stopped for a moment and watched her with a patient frown until she had finished.

  "Are you all right?" he asked her. "This won't take very long, I promise."

  "I can't-you can't-I can't bear it, I can't bear it."

  "I can stop if you like. Only for a while, though. The bones have to be stripped before the light of day."

  "Please, please, I can't bear it anymore, please."

  "I'm sorry why don't you try to think of something else?"

  "I can't take any more! I can't take any more!"

  She threw her head back on the bedsprings and hit it again and again, screaming and weeping, as if she wanted to knock herself unconscious. He stood with his scalpel in his hand, the ruby-colored blood congealing on the blade, and frowned at her as if she were nothing more than a toddler who was throwing a tantrum.

  At last she stopped screaming and banging her head, and lay back with her eyes rolling wildly from side to side, breathing in high, harsh yelps.

  He bent over her again, and continued to cut the rectus femoris muscle all the way down to the knee. Then he laid down his scalpel, and with the thumbs of both hands, spread the incision wide apart, until the bone was visible. The flesh glistened in the bright light of the Anglepoise lamp, as scarlet as freshly butchered beef.

  "There," he said, "the very substance of you, coming to light."

  He picked up a small boning knife, and carefully began to cut the flesh away from the femur. Fiona lay still now, her face gray, her hands gripping the bed head, her whole body totally rigid and glistening with sweat. Apart from the scrunging of the bedsprings, all she could hear was the sound of wet flesh, like somebody quietly and persistently licking their lips.

  She passed beyond agony into a place where she could see nothing but blinding whiteness and feel nothing but utter cold. The North Pole of pain. And still he worried the flesh away from the bone, scraping it meticulously clean.

  After a quarter of an hour he gave a last scrape, and eased away the muscle of her entire upper leg, in one bloody piece, like a plumber easing the pink foam lagging off a hot-water pipe. He wiped his forehead with the back of his shirtsleeve, and then he carried the flesh into the kitchen and flopped it into the sink. He rinsed his hands and dried them on a ragged tea towel, and then he leaned his head under the faucet and took a long, noisy drink.

  When he returned to the bedroom, Fiona was unconscious. Better that way, he thought to himself. The next part was taking the flesh off the knee, and that was especially agonizing.

  He held out both hands, palm upward, and then he turned them over. Not a tremble. He picked up the boning knife again, and went to work.

  15

  Katie was woken up by the sound of the front door slamming and somebody falling heavily against the coat stand in the hall. Then she heard Sergeant barking, and a voice saying, "Shush, shush, you maniac."

  "Paul?" she called, sitting up in bed.

  "Sawrigh," Paul blurted back. "Everything sawrigh."

  She swung her legs out of bed and found her bed jacket on the back of the chair. "Paul, what the hell's going on down there? Are you drunk?"

  "Don't come down," he told her, in a clogged up voice. "I'll stay down here for tonight. Just don't come down."

  She switched on the landing light and went down the stairs. Sergeant was running in and out of the living room door, panting excitedly. She went into the living room and switched on the chandeliers. Paul was lying facedown on the sofa, one arm dangling on the floor. His navy-blue coat was split all the way up the back, revealing the torn white lining. One of his loafers was missing and his curly hair was matted with blood.

  "Holy Mother of God," said Katie, and knelt down beside him.

  He opened one eye and blinked at her. There was a deep semicircular cut around his eyebrow that was already crusted with dried blood, and his cheekb
ones were crimson.

  "What happened to you, Paul? Let me look at you."

  "Sawrigh. Everything's grand."

  "Paul, for Christ's sake look at the state of you! What's happened?"

  He lifted his head and it was only then that she could see how badly he was hurt. Both nostrils were clotted with blood and it looked as if his nose had been broken. His lips were swollen and split, and he was obviously missing some teeth. A long string of bloody saliva connected his mouth to the cushion.

  "Who did this to you, Paul? Was it Dave MacSweeny?"

  "It doesn't matter, pet. I just need some shlee, that's all. Some shleep."

  "Paul, I want to know who attacked you."

  "Forget it. You'll only make a bother. The only female detective superintendent in Ireland she can't have anyone beating up her husband, now can she?"

  "Sit up, Paul. Let me take a good look at you. You'll be after needing a doctor. Look at that cut. That's going to take stitches."

  "Will you stop-fussing,for Christ's sake. It's only a couple of knocks. My father used to beat me up much worse than this when I was a kid."

  Katie stood up. Paul blinked up at her and his face was so pummeled and swollen that it looked twice its normal size. "Paul I'm not joking about this. Whoever attacked you, I'm going to have them arrested, and charged."

  Paul managed to struggle himself into a sitting position. His left eye was completely bloodshot, like a vampire's. "Ouch, shit," he said, pressing his hand against his side. "Broken my fucking ribs."

  "Paul-"

  "Katie forget it. I made a bags of things, that's all. What you might call an error of judgment. If you start making a bother it's going to be ten times worse. They'll kill me, the next time, I promise you. In fact they're probably going to kill me anyway."

  Katie gently touched his forehead, where his hair was sticky with blood. "God, Paul, you're such a fool sometimes. Don't you realize how much I love you? Weren't we happy once? Wasn't everything perfect?"

  He gave her a wry, puffy smile. "That was then, Katie. This is now."

  "You can't let them get away with this, Paul. I need to know who did it. It's my duty to uphold the law."

  "I'm not telling you, Katie. I can't. They'll kill me. That's ifyoudon't kill me first."

  She sat back, and lifted her hand away from his knee. "Why shouldIwant to kill you?"

  "Well, I'm not much of a husband to you, am I?"

  Katie said, "It's about that girl, isn't it? That one at the Sarsfield Hotel?"

  "God Almighty. Who'd marry a detective?"

  "Tell me, Paul. It's about that girl, isn't it?"

  "It's partly. But that's not all of it."

  "Paul, I'm calling an ambulance."

  He snatched at her sleeve. "Leave it, Katie. The last thing they said to me was 'We bet your old lady's going to come looking for us now.' And what do you think I'd look like, if you did? A man needs his-manhood."

  Katie was silent for a long time. She needed time to think, time to get her balance back. Then she said, "How about a drink? You should really go to hospital, but if you won't-"

  "It's not so bad as it looks. They punched me around a bit, and kicked me all right. But you don't get anywhere at all unless you take chances, do you?"

  Katie went across to the sideboard and poured him a large whiskey. Sergeant followed her protectively, and stood beside her when she sat down, panting. "So what does this girl at the Sarsfield Hotel have to do with business?"

  Paul shook his head. "I made a mistake, Katie, that's all."

  "Yes, but who was she? And what did you do?"

  "I suppose I was looking for something different. Escape, you might call it. The truth is that I still can't look at you without thinking about poor little Seamus."

  "You don't think thatIdon't blame myself for what happened to Seamus, every minute of every hour of every day?"

  "I don'tblameyou, pet. God wanted Seamus back in heaven and that was all there was to it. But-I don't know. I suppose I thought you were magic, and that you'd never let us come to any harm. When Seamus was taken, I realized then that you weren't magic after all."

  "Paul, I was Seamus's mother but I'm not yours."

  He dabbed his nose with his fingertips. "Oh, it was my fault, too. If my business hadn't gone to the wall you wouldn't have had to work."

  "What are you saying? That Seamus died because I went to work?"

  "Well, I don't know. Maybe you would have paid him more mind."

  "Paul-I'm a career Garda officer. I would have carried on with my job whether we had a baby or not. And for you to suggest that he died because I neglected him-Holy Mother of God, what's wrong with you?"

  Paul didn't say anything, but lowered his head and sniffed.

  "Tell me about this girl," Katie insisted. The central heating didn't come on for another three hours and she was trembling with tiredness and cold and exasperation.

  "There's nothing to tell. We went to the Sarsfield and had a few drinks and it's the old, old story, isn't it?"

  "Who is she?"

  "That's the whole trouble. She's Dave MacSweeny's girlfriend."

  "Geraldine Daley? That tart?"

  "I'm sorry, Katie. Losing your only son that's not exactly an aphrodisiac, is it?"

  She slapped him, hard, across the cheek. She didn't mean to, but she had done it before she could think. He shouted out, "Jesus!"and lifted one hand to protect himself. "Jesus, Katie. That fuckinghurt."

  "You don't think you deserved it?"

  "For what? For trying to get a few minutes' pleasure out of my life, instead of having to tiptoe on-eggshellsround you and your everlasting grief? You don't have the monopoly on sorrow, Katie, believe me and you don't have any right to take your misery out on everybody around you. I'm glad I'm not one of your suspects. It's bad enough being your husband."

  Katie didn't know what to say. Perhaps Paul was right, and she was dragging her cross around with her wherever she went. Perhaps, on the other hand, he could have put his arms around her now and again, in the darkness of the night, and showed her that they could find a way to be happy again.

  "Don't you worry," said Paul. "I'll sleep on the couch. At least Sergeant will show me some sympathy."

  A long, long pause. Paul picked a bloody scab out of his nostril and stared at it.

  "Has it been going on long?" Katie asked him.

  "What?"

  "You and Geraldine Daley. Was it just the one night, or have you been making a fool of me for longer than that?"

  "What does it matter?"

  "It matters because the nature of my job requires me to have a private life that's free of any scandal whatsoever. And most of all it matters because we're married, for better or for worse."

  "Well, if it's any consolation at all, it was, yes, just the one night. Geraldine was sick to the back teeth with Dave because he never takes her anywhere and she's never allowed to look at other men. He hits her about, too. I guess she wanted to get her own back on him."

  "And what about you? Did you want to get your own back on me? What? For killing Seamus?"

  Paul flapped his hand dismissively. Katie was about to say something else, something really hurtful, but then she decided against it. Without a word, she turned around and left Paul sitting on the couch, with Sergeant licking his bloody knuckles.

  16

  The next morning it was raining again, that fine misty rain that can soak right through your coat before you know it. She walked into her office to find Professor O'Brien waiting for her with a bunch of yellow chrysanthemums, a folded raincoat, and a bright, enthusiastic grin.

  "Gerard, what a surprise."

  He stood up and held out the flowers as if they were a conjuring trick. "I hope you like yellow. It reminds me of sunshine. Just what we need on days like these."

  "Thank you," she said. They looked past their best, and one of them was broken, but she took them anyway. "I'll-ah-put them in water."

  "You don't mi
nd me coming here to report to you personally? In person, I mean?"

  She felt tired and fractured after last night, and the last thing she needed was a flirtatious conversation with Professor O'Brien, but all the same she managed a smile and sat down behind her desk. At the back of the Garda station the crows were still perched along the roof of the parking lot. Sometimes one or two of them flew off and circled around, but they always came back, the way that blowflies will never leave a decomposing body alone.

  "Would you like some coffee?" she asked Professor O'Brien.